Diffidence

I know that i would be a bad mother.  I am not even sure if i need a boy or a girl. When i am deeply in love with him, i know that i need this child.  It had been in my thoughts and prayers years before marriage and during the years of loving him.  Now i am confused.  How will i, who hates rain, teach my child how beautiful the rain is?  How will i, who is like a fish on the shore, tell the child that the world is beautiful?  How will i who is unable to love life myself, teach my child that she should be in love with life?  How can i, who has lost all hopes of 'eternal love' stories tell my child stories of innocence and love? I don't even know what songs to sing to her, because its a long time since i have lost all my songs.  Now that i exist and not exist, now that i love and not love, now that i have lost everything in my soul and am deadly alone...how will i look after a child, and love it and pray for it, and live for it?  Anyway, there is him and i wish the child would be happy with him even if i am not there anymore...................

Things You Will Never Understand

Just when i wanted to come back
They too returned,
It was like a wound forced open
Only to see it is not healed.

He was storm and  breeze
He was the wound and the cure
He was nothing and everything

Every step slipped
As if there is nothing called memory.
Once surprised by retreating memories
A body stood there alone in the night.

It was then i wanted to go back,
surrounded by appooppanthaadis,
My left foot in life,
And the right rightly in death.

Fragmented theories of hope
rising out of pages of my diary
where the missing pages
talked about rivers never existed.

He was there
Sleeping beside me
Like he knows nothing

I looked and looked
untill my eyes slept
and dreamt of his hands
slipping into my heart
and dreamt of his eyes
sipping into my words.

I trusted him.