I know that i would be a bad mother. I am not even sure if i need a boy or a girl. When i am deeply in love with him, i know that i need this child. It had been in my thoughts and prayers years before marriage and during the years of loving him. Now i am confused. How will i, who hates rain, teach my child how beautiful the rain is? How will i, who is like a fish on the shore, tell the child that the world is beautiful? How will i who is unable to love life myself, teach my child that she should be in love with life? How can i, who has lost all hopes of 'eternal love' stories tell my child stories of innocence and love? I don't even know what songs to sing to her, because its a long time since i have lost all my songs. Now that i exist and not exist, now that i love and not love, now that i have lost everything in my soul and am deadly alone...how will i look after a child, and love it and pray for it, and live for it? Anyway, there is him and i wish the child would be happy with him even if i am not there anymore...................
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