MOMMY RETURNS :)

The number on the screen of my phone made my heart skip a beat.  it was my home number.  who could be that other than my mother!  i didnt let it complete one ring.  there was the same sweet musical motherly voice from the other side, like a girl ringing up a lover with fear and anxiety.   it was more than a year since i heard her talking...and that voice thrilled me, filled my heart with the perfect happiness, and she also seemed happy, though she seemed afraid of the consequences of the call, and worried about my health and well being. but she didnt ask anything about him.  i wish she had.  i want her to love him just like she loves me.  he deserves all her love, i am sure.  and i thought he would be surprised if ever he meets my mom.  he might never have met someone so loving as her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   and i expect the next call even though i didnt ask when that would be, i didnt even ask if she would ever call me again. anyway, i didnt want to put her in trouble and i thought it would be better if i dont encourage her much by asking about the next call.  for a moment i knew how lucky i am, because i have my mom, afterall, and she is someone i never wanted to miss on earth and heaven and in the births yet to come.

Memories and THE Strange Reality

     At times, i think of the week before my marriage. It surprises me now that i was so lonely that time and so sad and still so patient and tough. I silently said goodbye to all my dear ones at home, not looking i
nto their eyes, for i was a coward. Didn't have to look at achan's face since he has stopped looking at me, months,may be years before. And amma, as always , looked at me till i disappeared in the road looking down.  she was waiting there on the long veranda and looked anxiously at the bus into which i escaped. I can still see those eyes looking at me from somewhere far yet near.  at my working place i was busy that week buying ornaments and clothes for my wedding. I was alone when i went to buy my wedding sari.  My mind was not confused or troubled. But then in the shop, i saw two groups of people  who were there to buy wedding saris for their daughters. And i really had a hard time keeping my eyes clear and dry.  It was not my loneliness which burnt my skin but the happiness of the relatives of the future brides. For a moment, i didn't know if i could stand there any longer.  Then i thought i would not have loved this 'ritual' of buying saris if i were to be married in the 'accepted' way. It was unnecessary sentiment,i tried to tell myself.  And i became the old practical woman again.  I bought everything i needed to live with in a strange place.  And the shop keeper looked strange, because he might never have thought i had to purchase for a wedding, and i smiled at the thought of his (possible) strange feeling. And everything seemed normal! I had one or two bags full of things to begin the journey. just before 'that' day, i thought of telling my housemate about what is to be expected. if she were there, i might have told. But she was not there, and every moment in the house seemed like an year. I didn't feel like having something. I tried to avoid all thoughts of my family. And for the first time, i felt that it was the girls who elope are the saddest compared to the parents. Guilt, helplessness, loneliness, uncertainty, fears of all the imminent dangers, nightmares......and what not.  I didn't expect anything about my future. i was never in a position to dream about a beautiful future.  I just thought everything would be alright.  I was the saddest on the day of my marriage.  the only thing that gave me some peace of mind was the deity inside the temple...Lord Krishna. v got married in front of krishna, just as i wished (rather,insisted).   And after that marriage, i was happy only for 2 weeks!!!!!!!  I hate to be the suffering,yet loving wife, and i chose life instead of death, and that life grows inside me.  I am quite surprised now that i am content with my life. As long as he keeps his secrets, i wont be a happy partner, yet i would love to love him till the end of my life. and this ME quite shocks me because i never thought i can be all this and not all that i thought i was. Life is very strange, indeed.