nto their eyes, for i was a coward. Didn't have to look at achan's face since he has stopped looking at me, months,may be years before. And amma, as always , looked at me till i disappeared in the road looking down. she was waiting there on the long veranda and looked anxiously at the bus into which i escaped. I can still see those eyes looking at me from somewhere far yet near. at my working place i was busy that week buying ornaments and clothes for my wedding. I was alone when i went to buy my wedding sari. My mind was not confused or troubled. But then in the shop, i saw two groups of people who were there to buy wedding saris for their daughters. And i really had a hard time keeping my eyes clear and dry. It was not my loneliness which burnt my skin but the happiness of the relatives of the future brides. For a moment, i didn't know if i could stand there any longer. Then i thought i would not have loved this 'ritual' of buying saris if i were to be married in the 'accepted' way. It was unnecessary sentiment,i tried to tell myself. And i became the old practical woman again. I bought everything i needed to live with in a strange place. And the shop keeper looked strange, because he might never have thought i had to purchase for a wedding, and i smiled at the thought of his (possible) strange feeling. And everything seemed normal! I had one or two bags full of things to begin the journey. just before 'that' day, i thought of telling my housemate about what is to be expected. if she were there, i might have told. But she was not there, and every moment in the house seemed like an year. I didn't feel like having something. I tried to avoid all thoughts of my family. And for the first time, i felt that it was the girls who elope are the saddest compared to the parents. Guilt, helplessness, loneliness, uncertainty, fears of all the imminent dangers, nightmares......and what not. I didn't expect anything about my future. i was never in a position to dream about a beautiful future. I just thought everything would be alright. I was the saddest on the day of my marriage. the only thing that gave me some peace of mind was the deity inside the temple...Lord Krishna. v got married in front of krishna, just as i wished (rather,insisted). And after that marriage, i was happy only for 2 weeks!!!!!!! I hate to be the suffering,yet loving wife, and i chose life instead of death, and that life grows inside me. I am quite surprised now that i am content with my life. As long as he keeps his secrets, i wont be a happy partner, yet i would love to love him till the end of my life. and this ME quite shocks me because i never thought i can be all this and not all that i thought i was. Life is very strange, indeed.
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